Posts
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 16 Mar 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we
are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Singapore Jokes
Ah Lian asked shopkeeper, "Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee, boh?"
Ah Chek replied, "Lu siao ah! stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only, where got up to the 'nee'(breast) one?"
Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her. So there Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend.
"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"
"Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian.
"Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!"
So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
"Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!" screamed Ah Beng. "Solee, solee, pai sah lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!"
The Titanic was sinking and there weren't enough lifeboats. So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy water to make room for women and children.
To the British he said, "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped.
To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied.
To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged.
Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal: "Free life jackets for those who jumped."
Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti" (In Hokkien means Ah Cheng buys bread).
The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told them to re-select another song. The Ah Bengs were very angry and kicked up a big fuss claiming the DJ was insulting them. The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down. Finally after a long talk with Ah Bengs, the manager found out that they were actually asking for the song "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.
One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and wanted to get down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G. As they were not English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea what does the letter G mean. Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G.. When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian,"Wah low!!! How you know one?" The first Ah Lian replied smugly, "Easy lah.. G for Gero mah..."
One day, there were an American, one Italian, a Singaporean and Bangladeshi traveled around on a private helicopter. After about one hour of travelling, the American took out his cigarette (Dunhill), lighted it up and started smoking after two sip, he threw the balance of the cigarette. The other three persons were surprised and asked "Why didn't you finish-up the cigarette before throwing?" He replied arrogantly, "There is a lot of cigarettes in my country."
Half an hour later, the Italian took out a bottle of branded perfume and applied on him and the rest he threw out of the window.
The other three persons were surprised and asked, "Why did you throw away the perfume?" The Italian replied also, "There is a lot of perfume in my country."
The Singaporean didn't know what to do & suddenly pushed that Bangladeshi out of the helicopter. The other two persons shouted crazyly, "Why did you push him !?" The Singaporean said slowly, "There is a lot of Bangladeshi in my country!" Everybody kept quiet and stayed away from the Singaporean.
Ah Chek replied, "Lu siao ah! stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only, where got up to the 'nee'(breast) one?"
Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her. So there Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend.
"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"
"Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian.
"Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!"
So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
"Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!" screamed Ah Beng. "Solee, solee, pai sah lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!"
The Titanic was sinking and there weren't enough lifeboats. So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy water to make room for women and children.
To the British he said, "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped.
To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied.
To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged.
Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal: "Free life jackets for those who jumped."
Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti" (In Hokkien means Ah Cheng buys bread).
The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told them to re-select another song. The Ah Bengs were very angry and kicked up a big fuss claiming the DJ was insulting them. The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down. Finally after a long talk with Ah Bengs, the manager found out that they were actually asking for the song "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.
One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and wanted to get down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G. As they were not English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea what does the letter G mean. Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G.. When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian,"Wah low!!! How you know one?" The first Ah Lian replied smugly, "Easy lah.. G for Gero mah..."
One day, there were an American, one Italian, a Singaporean and Bangladeshi traveled around on a private helicopter. After about one hour of travelling, the American took out his cigarette (Dunhill), lighted it up and started smoking after two sip, he threw the balance of the cigarette. The other three persons were surprised and asked "Why didn't you finish-up the cigarette before throwing?" He replied arrogantly, "There is a lot of cigarettes in my country."
Half an hour later, the Italian took out a bottle of branded perfume and applied on him and the rest he threw out of the window.
The other three persons were surprised and asked, "Why did you throw away the perfume?" The Italian replied also, "There is a lot of perfume in my country."
The Singaporean didn't know what to do & suddenly pushed that Bangladeshi out of the helicopter. The other two persons shouted crazyly, "Why did you push him !?" The Singaporean said slowly, "There is a lot of Bangladeshi in my country!" Everybody kept quiet and stayed away from the Singaporean.
HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed
room with an Open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in
The room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back
After 6 hours and then analyze
The situation.
.
.
.
If they are counting the
Bricks.
Put them in the accounts
Department .
If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing ..
If they have messed up the
Whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering .
If they are arranging the
bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning .
If they are throwing the
bricks at each other.
Put them in operations .
If they are sleeping.
Put them in security .
If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information Technology .
If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources .
If they say they have tried different combinations,
yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing .
If they are staring out of the Window.
Put them on strategic Planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other
and not a single brick has been moved...
Congratulate them and
put them in Top management
room with an Open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in
The room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back
After 6 hours and then analyze
The situation.
.
.
.
If they are counting the
Bricks.
Put them in the accounts
Department .
If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing ..
If they have messed up the
Whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering .
If they are arranging the
bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning .
If they are throwing the
bricks at each other.
Put them in operations .
If they are sleeping.
Put them in security .
If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information Technology .
If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources .
If they say they have tried different combinations,
yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing .
If they are staring out of the Window.
Put them on strategic Planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other
and not a single brick has been moved...
Congratulate them and
put them in Top management
Monday, May 25, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Ah Beng Jokes
Long time ago, a rich Singapore tycoon wanted to know how happy a man could be if he was given one wish.
He paid 3 people to test out his experiment:
The rules were:
1. Each person could only have 1 wish.
2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30 years.
3. Food, but not liquor would be provided.
The first contestant, Billy Klinton (USA) asked for the 30 prettiest PLAYBOY centrefolds: " So I can make the most beautiful babies in the world."
The second contestant, Jon Mayjor (UK) said, "I want 30 years' supply of booze."
The last contestant ,Ah Beng (Singapore) said," I want 30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I can smoke until I song-song"
30 years later, the 3 contestants came back for a press conference.
Billy had with him 200 children and 30 estranged women. He remarked, " It has been a long sexual experience for me and I was wondering whether anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the mother for free !"
Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer, was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter these words. " God save the Beer ! The Queen can drink sea water. "
The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring lighter!)
He paid 3 people to test out his experiment:
The rules were:
1. Each person could only have 1 wish.
2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30 years.
3. Food, but not liquor would be provided.
The first contestant, Billy Klinton (USA) asked for the 30 prettiest PLAYBOY centrefolds: " So I can make the most beautiful babies in the world."
The second contestant, Jon Mayjor (UK) said, "I want 30 years' supply of booze."
The last contestant ,Ah Beng (Singapore) said," I want 30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I can smoke until I song-song"
30 years later, the 3 contestants came back for a press conference.
Billy had with him 200 children and 30 estranged women. He remarked, " It has been a long sexual experience for me and I was wondering whether anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the mother for free !"
Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer, was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter these words. " God save the Beer ! The Queen can drink sea water. "
The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring lighter!)
Ah Beng Recruitment
Since the IR has been approved, the underworld is looking for recruits.
This one - CHAP SAR TIAM SECRET SOCIETY, a Geylang-based organization for youth, is now recruiting members to fulfill a tender they are submitting to the new casi? Sorry, sorry, integrated resort.
Please fill in the form below and mail to:
Mr. Chao Ah Beng
Membership Officer
Chap Sar Tiam Secret Society
69 Geylang Lorong 69
Singapore 696969
Reference code: chapsartiam.com
APPLICATION FOR MEMBERSHIP IN CHAP SAR TIAM SECRET SOCIETY
1. NRIC No.: _________________
2. Surname: __________________
3. First name: (please X)
[ ] Johnson
[ ] Benson
[ ] Samson
[ ] Hamson
[ ] Janson
[ ] Other: _________________ (if not ! ending in son? please explain why)
4. Chinese Name: Ah __________(if not beginning with Ah? please explain why)
5. Age: [ ] Under 35 [ ] Lau Beng
6. Sex: [ ] M [ ] F [ ] at Geylang
7. Length of Last Fingernail: ________ (cm)
8. Ability to squat for:
[ ] 1 hour
[ ] 2 hours
[ ] more than 2 hours (wah, steady!)
9. Hairstyle:
[ ] Spiky
[ ] Dyed with streaks of blond
[ ] Dyed with streaks of red
[ ] Two strands dangling in front of eyes
[ ] Kana mop like that
[ ] Perm (please state which saloon in JB you went)____________________
10. Tattoo of:
[ ] Tiger
[ ] Dragon
[ ] Snake
[ ] Eagle
[ ] Hello Kitty
11. Work experience: (please X all that apply)
[ ] KTV Launge Bouncer
[ ] Snooker Hall Attendant
[ ] Unlicensed Contractor
[ ] Freelance debt collector
[ ] Unlicensed bookie
[ ] Dispute Resolution and Settlement Professional
[ ] Unemployed
12. Spouse's Name: _________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: (the one in Batam, that one) _________________________
Lover's Name: _________________________
2nd Lover's Name: (Lorong 69, that pooi-pooi one) _________________________
13. Number of children living in household: ____
Number of children living in foster care: ____
Number of children that are actually yours: ____
14. Mother's Name: _________________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
15. Father's Name: _________________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
16. Education: (Circle how many years it took you to finish primary
school) 8 9 10 11 12
17. Ability to swear: (please X all that apply)
[ ] Hokkien
[ ] English
[ ] Malay
[ ] Tamil
[ ] Cantonese
[ ] rude hand gestures
18. Service performed in previous secret society:
[ ] Leadership/Tua Tao
[ ] Junior management/Suay Tao
[ ] Physical activities/Hooting
[ ] Dispute Resolution and settlement/Cham Siong
[ ] Lookout/Kuah Chui
With your application, please also enclose sample of blood (need not be your own).
This one - CHAP SAR TIAM SECRET SOCIETY, a Geylang-based organization for youth, is now recruiting members to fulfill a tender they are submitting to the new casi? Sorry, sorry, integrated resort.
Please fill in the form below and mail to:
Mr. Chao Ah Beng
Membership Officer
Chap Sar Tiam Secret Society
69 Geylang Lorong 69
Singapore 696969
Reference code: chapsartiam.com
APPLICATION FOR MEMBERSHIP IN CHAP SAR TIAM SECRET SOCIETY
1. NRIC No.: _________________
2. Surname: __________________
3. First name: (please X)
[ ] Johnson
[ ] Benson
[ ] Samson
[ ] Hamson
[ ] Janson
[ ] Other: _________________ (if not ! ending in son? please explain why)
4. Chinese Name: Ah __________(if not beginning with Ah? please explain why)
5. Age: [ ] Under 35 [ ] Lau Beng
6. Sex: [ ] M [ ] F [ ] at Geylang
7. Length of Last Fingernail: ________ (cm)
8. Ability to squat for:
[ ] 1 hour
[ ] 2 hours
[ ] more than 2 hours (wah, steady!)
9. Hairstyle:
[ ] Spiky
[ ] Dyed with streaks of blond
[ ] Dyed with streaks of red
[ ] Two strands dangling in front of eyes
[ ] Kana mop like that
[ ] Perm (please state which saloon in JB you went)____________________
10. Tattoo of:
[ ] Tiger
[ ] Dragon
[ ] Snake
[ ] Eagle
[ ] Hello Kitty
11. Work experience: (please X all that apply)
[ ] KTV Launge Bouncer
[ ] Snooker Hall Attendant
[ ] Unlicensed Contractor
[ ] Freelance debt collector
[ ] Unlicensed bookie
[ ] Dispute Resolution and Settlement Professional
[ ] Unemployed
12. Spouse's Name: _________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: (the one in Batam, that one) _________________________
Lover's Name: _________________________
2nd Lover's Name: (Lorong 69, that pooi-pooi one) _________________________
13. Number of children living in household: ____
Number of children living in foster care: ____
Number of children that are actually yours: ____
14. Mother's Name: _________________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
15. Father's Name: _________________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
16. Education: (Circle how many years it took you to finish primary
school) 8 9 10 11 12
17. Ability to swear: (please X all that apply)
[ ] Hokkien
[ ] English
[ ] Malay
[ ] Tamil
[ ] Cantonese
[ ] rude hand gestures
18. Service performed in previous secret society:
[ ] Leadership/Tua Tao
[ ] Junior management/Suay Tao
[ ] Physical activities/Hooting
[ ] Dispute Resolution and settlement/Cham Siong
[ ] Lookout/Kuah Chui
With your application, please also enclose sample of blood (need not be your own).
Joke
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
And asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
And asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Interview Candidate's Resume
INTERVIEW......
Name : Ah Meng
Age : Still young
Sex : Never. Still under age
Religion : I only have experience praying my cat who dead 2 years before
Race : I love to race, how you know?
Nationality : I don't like National, I prefer Sanyo
IC Number : 6735
Telephone number : House no telephone
Hand phone number : 3310
Address : Penang Jelutong
City : Nor Haliza?
Postcode : I never post anything
State : In my family, I am 2nd
Country : I love to travel to Canada
Marriage status : Secret
Email Address : Hotmail
Education Background : My teacher said not bad
Working experience : Last time got sell pirated VCD
Father's name : Daddy
Father's IC : You ask him
Mother's name : Mummy
Mother's IC : You ask her
Current Salary : Depends on my daddy mood
Expected Salary : As much as you can pay
When can start work : Depends on my mood
Highest qualification : Ya, very high
Grade : Ya, very high
College/University : College
Signature : Can I use chop?
Name : Ah Meng
Age : Still young
Sex : Never. Still under age
Religion : I only have experience praying my cat who dead 2 years before
Race : I love to race, how you know?
Nationality : I don't like National, I prefer Sanyo
IC Number : 6735
Telephone number : House no telephone
Hand phone number : 3310
Address : Penang Jelutong
City : Nor Haliza?
Postcode : I never post anything
State : In my family, I am 2nd
Country : I love to travel to Canada
Marriage status : Secret
Email Address : Hotmail
Education Background : My teacher said not bad
Working experience : Last time got sell pirated VCD
Father's name : Daddy
Father's IC : You ask him
Mother's name : Mummy
Mother's IC : You ask her
Current Salary : Depends on my daddy mood
Expected Salary : As much as you can pay
When can start work : Depends on my mood
Highest qualification : Ya, very high
Grade : Ya, very high
College/University : College
Signature : Can I use chop?
Health Tips
Answer the phone by LEFT ear .
Do not drink coffee TWICE a day.
Do not take pills with COOL water .
Do not have HUGE meals after 5pm.
Reduce the amount of OILY food you consume.
Drink more WATER in the morning, less at night.
Keep your distance from hand phone CHARGERS .
Do not use headphones/earphone for LONG period of time.
Best sleeping time is from 10pm at night to 6am in the morning...
Do not lie down immediately after taking medicine before sleeping.
When battery is down to the LAST grid/bar, do not answer the phone as the radiation is 1000 times.
Here are some healthy tip for your smartness & physical fitness. Prevention is better than cure.
HEALTHY JUICES
Carrot + Ginger + Apple - Boost and cleanse our system.
Apple + Cucumber + Celery - Prevent cancer, reduce cholesterol, and eliminate stomach upset and headache.
Tomato + Carrot + Apple - Improve skin complexion and eliminate bad b reath.
Bitter gou rd + Apple + Milk - Avoid bad breath and reduce internal body heat.
Orange + Ginger + Cucumber - Improve Skin texture and moisture and reduce body heat.
Pineapple + Apple + Watermelon - To dispel excess salts, nourishes the bladder and kidney.
Apple + Cucumber + Kiwi - To improve ski n complexion.
Pear & Banana - regulates sugar content.
Carrot + Apple + Pear + Mango - Clear body heat, counteracts toxicity, decreased blood pressure and fight oxidization .
Honeydew + Grape + Watermelon + Milk - Rich in vitamin C + Vitamin B2 that increase cell activity and str engthen body immunity.
Papaya + Pin eapple + Milk - Rich in vitamin C, E, Iron. Improve skin complexion and metabolism.
Banana + Pineapple + Milk - Rich in vitamin with nutritious and prevent constipation
DRINK WATER ON EMPTY STOMACH
It is popular in Japan today to drink water immediately after waking up every morning. Furthermore, scientific tests have proven a its value. We publish below a description of use of water for our readers. For old and serious diseases as well as modern illnesses the water treatment had been found successful by a Japanese medical society as a 100% cure for the following diseases:
Headache, body ache, heart system, arthritis, fast heart beat, epilepsy, excess fatness, bronchitis asthma, TB, meningitis, kidney and urine diseases, vomiting, gastritis, diarrhea, piles, diabetes, constipation, all eye diseases, womb, cancer and menstrual disorder
Do not drink coffee TWICE a day.
Do not take pills with COOL water .
Do not have HUGE meals after 5pm.
Reduce the amount of OILY food you consume.
Drink more WATER in the morning, less at night.
Keep your distance from hand phone CHARGERS .
Do not use headphones/earphone for LONG period of time.
Best sleeping time is from 10pm at night to 6am in the morning...
Do not lie down immediately after taking medicine before sleeping.
When battery is down to the LAST grid/bar, do not answer the phone as the radiation is 1000 times.
Here are some healthy tip for your smartness & physical fitness. Prevention is better than cure.
HEALTHY JUICES
Carrot + Ginger + Apple - Boost and cleanse our system.
Apple + Cucumber + Celery - Prevent cancer, reduce cholesterol, and eliminate stomach upset and headache.
Tomato + Carrot + Apple - Improve skin complexion and eliminate bad b reath.
Bitter gou rd + Apple + Milk - Avoid bad breath and reduce internal body heat.
Orange + Ginger + Cucumber - Improve Skin texture and moisture and reduce body heat.
Pineapple + Apple + Watermelon - To dispel excess salts, nourishes the bladder and kidney.
Apple + Cucumber + Kiwi - To improve ski n complexion.
Pear & Banana - regulates sugar content.
Carrot + Apple + Pear + Mango - Clear body heat, counteracts toxicity, decreased blood pressure and fight oxidization .
Honeydew + Grape + Watermelon + Milk - Rich in vitamin C + Vitamin B2 that increase cell activity and str engthen body immunity.
Papaya + Pin eapple + Milk - Rich in vitamin C, E, Iron. Improve skin complexion and metabolism.
Banana + Pineapple + Milk - Rich in vitamin with nutritious and prevent constipation
DRINK WATER ON EMPTY STOMACH
It is popular in Japan today to drink water immediately after waking up every morning. Furthermore, scientific tests have proven a its value. We publish below a description of use of water for our readers. For old and serious diseases as well as modern illnesses the water treatment had been found successful by a Japanese medical society as a 100% cure for the following diseases:
Headache, body ache, heart system, arthritis, fast heart beat, epilepsy, excess fatness, bronchitis asthma, TB, meningitis, kidney and urine diseases, vomiting, gastritis, diarrhea, piles, diabetes, constipation, all eye diseases, womb, cancer and menstrual disorder
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Food for Thought - Guardian Angel
Keep reading to the bottom of the page - don't stop at the feet (You'll see).
一定要阅读到最后，不要停下来，你将会看到
THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM
有些事并不象它看上去那样
Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guestroom. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."
两个旅行中的天使到一个富有的家庭借宿。这家人对他们并不友好，并且拒绝让他们在舒适的客人卧室过夜，而是在冰冷的地下室给他们找了一个角落。当他们铺床时，较老的天使发现墙上有一个洞，就顺手把它修补好了。年轻的天使问为什么，老天使答到："有些事并不象它看上去那样。"
The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field? The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die.
第二晚，两人又到了一个非常贫穷的农家借宿。主人夫妇俩对他们非常热情，把仅有的一点点食物拿出来款待客人，然后又让出自己的床铺给两个天使。第二天一早，两个天使发现农夫和他的妻子在哭泣--他们唯一的生活来源，一头奶牛死了。年轻的天使非常愤怒，他质问老天使为什么会这样，第一个家庭什么都有，老天使还帮助他们修补墙洞，第二个家庭尽管如此贫穷还是热情款待客人，而老天使却没有阻止奶牛的死亡。
"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it."
"有些事并不象它看上去那样。"老天使答道，"当我们在地下室过夜时，我从墙洞看到墙里面堆满了金块。因为主人被贪欲所迷惑，不愿意分享他的财富，所以我把墙洞填上了。
"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."
"昨天晚上，死亡之神来召唤农夫的妻子，我让奶牛代替了她。所以有些事并不象它看上去那样。"
Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later....
有些时候事情的表面并不是它实际应该的样子。如果你有信念，你只需要坚信付出总会得到回报。你可能不会发现，直到后来…….
Some people come into our lives and quickly go…
有些人走进我们的生活然后很快就离开了…
Some people become friends and stay awhile... leaving beautiful footprints on our hearts....
有些人成为朋友并稍作停留… 在我们的心里留下美丽的足印。
and we are never quite the same because we have made a good friend!!
因为有了一个好朋友，我们会变得跟从前不一样！！
Yesterday is history. 昨天是历史。
Tomorrow a mystery. 明天是一个谜。
Today is a gift. 今天是一个礼物。
That's why it's called the present!
因此它才被称为present! (present同时具有当前、目前和礼物的意思)
I think this life is special...live and savour every moment....
This is not a dress rehearsal!
一定要阅读到最后，不要停下来，你将会看到
THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM
有些事并不象它看上去那样
Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guestroom. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."
两个旅行中的天使到一个富有的家庭借宿。这家人对他们并不友好，并且拒绝让他们在舒适的客人卧室过夜，而是在冰冷的地下室给他们找了一个角落。当他们铺床时，较老的天使发现墙上有一个洞，就顺手把它修补好了。年轻的天使问为什么，老天使答到："有些事并不象它看上去那样。"
The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field? The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die.
第二晚，两人又到了一个非常贫穷的农家借宿。主人夫妇俩对他们非常热情，把仅有的一点点食物拿出来款待客人，然后又让出自己的床铺给两个天使。第二天一早，两个天使发现农夫和他的妻子在哭泣--他们唯一的生活来源，一头奶牛死了。年轻的天使非常愤怒，他质问老天使为什么会这样，第一个家庭什么都有，老天使还帮助他们修补墙洞，第二个家庭尽管如此贫穷还是热情款待客人，而老天使却没有阻止奶牛的死亡。
"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it."
"有些事并不象它看上去那样。"老天使答道，"当我们在地下室过夜时，我从墙洞看到墙里面堆满了金块。因为主人被贪欲所迷惑，不愿意分享他的财富，所以我把墙洞填上了。
"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."
"昨天晚上，死亡之神来召唤农夫的妻子，我让奶牛代替了她。所以有些事并不象它看上去那样。"
Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later....
有些时候事情的表面并不是它实际应该的样子。如果你有信念，你只需要坚信付出总会得到回报。你可能不会发现，直到后来…….
Some people come into our lives and quickly go…
有些人走进我们的生活然后很快就离开了…
Some people become friends and stay awhile... leaving beautiful footprints on our hearts....
有些人成为朋友并稍作停留… 在我们的心里留下美丽的足印。
and we are never quite the same because we have made a good friend!!
因为有了一个好朋友，我们会变得跟从前不一样！！
Yesterday is history. 昨天是历史。
Tomorrow a mystery. 明天是一个谜。
Today is a gift. 今天是一个礼物。
That's why it's called the present!
因此它才被称为present! (present同时具有当前、目前和礼物的意思)
I think this life is special...live and savour every moment....
This is not a dress rehearsal!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Are YOU a Psychopath?
This is a story about a girl.
While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much the dream guy that she was searching for that she fell in love with him immediately.
However, she never asked for his name or number and afterward could not find anyone who knew who he was.
A few days later the girl killed her own sister.
Question: Why did she kill her sister?
First, find your own answer to this question.
Then, check out below for the answer.
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.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
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Answer: She reasoned that if the guy appeared at her mother's funeral, then he might appear another family funeral.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered correctly.
While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much the dream guy that she was searching for that she fell in love with him immediately.
However, she never asked for his name or number and afterward could not find anyone who knew who he was.
A few days later the girl killed her own sister.
Question: Why did she kill her sister?
First, find your own answer to this question.
Then, check out below for the answer.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer: She reasoned that if the guy appeared at her mother's funeral, then he might appear another family funeral.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered correctly.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Coca Cola Sales at Middle East
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know how to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters."
First poster - A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster - man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster- Our man is now totally refreshed.
Then these posters were pasted all over the place
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied "I also didn't realize that Arabs go from right to left"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know how to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters."
First poster - A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster - man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster- Our man is now totally refreshed.
Then these posters were pasted all over the place
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied "I also didn't realize that Arabs go from right to left"
Monday, March 9, 2009
Funny truths about life in Singapore .... ha ha
1. Nite - Sleep with air-con; Day - Bathe with heater on
2. Day - Cannot Wake up; Nite - Cannot Sleep
3. Cigarettes - Convenient to buy; not convenient to smoke
4. Chewing Gum - Can Chew, Cannot buy?? (Restricted to buying)
5. Smell Of rubbish besides letterboxes; Rubbish inside Letterbox
6. Private Cars - Cheaper & Cheaper to Buy, harder & harder to Maintain
7. Education - Teachers teaching Less but expects students to learn More
8. High-tech barbaric singaporeans - know how to use state-of-the art equipment, but dunno how to use a simple dustbin or a toilet
9. There are quite a number of rich/poor in spore - They have Car, Credit Card, CPF .... but no Cash and lots of loans
10. Translation is needed between Singaporean Chinese and Mainland Chinese
11. Sporean never like to vote, but like to complain
12. Half Sporeans rushed to buy Hello kitty, but the other half busy killing stray cats
13. Public Bus - Half the Crowd squeeze in front section of the Bus, Second section is for Carrying Ghost
2. Day - Cannot Wake up; Nite - Cannot Sleep
3. Cigarettes - Convenient to buy; not convenient to smoke
4. Chewing Gum - Can Chew, Cannot buy?? (Restricted to buying)
5. Smell Of rubbish besides letterboxes; Rubbish inside Letterbox
6. Private Cars - Cheaper & Cheaper to Buy, harder & harder to Maintain
7. Education - Teachers teaching Less but expects students to learn More
8. High-tech barbaric singaporeans - know how to use state-of-the art equipment, but dunno how to use a simple dustbin or a toilet
9. There are quite a number of rich/poor in spore - They have Car, Credit Card, CPF .... but no Cash and lots of loans
10. Translation is needed between Singaporean Chinese and Mainland Chinese
11. Sporean never like to vote, but like to complain
12. Half Sporeans rushed to buy Hello kitty, but the other half busy killing stray cats
13. Public Bus - Half the Crowd squeeze in front section of the Bus, Second section is for Carrying Ghost
English Signs from Around the World
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
When a woman lies...... (a FunNy example)
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked . The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimblestudded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
.
.
.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked . The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimblestudded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
.
.
.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
New Approach for HR.
In a large multinational company..............
A fire alarm rang at 4 PM in a large office when almost all employees were in office (approx 5000). As usual the entire office was evacuated within 3 mins & all employees gathered outside the office in the designated area waiting for further announcement.
The Security Officer in charge made the following announcement:
"Dear employees with sincere regret I have been asked to announce that for many of you it will be your last evacuation drill. Due to the recession the company is laying off almost 50% of its employees. So when this announcement finishes, I ask all of you to move back into the building and if your swipe card does not work then it means you have been laid off in which case you will not be allowed inside and all your belongings will be couriered to you by tomorrow.
The Company has used this innovative approach as we didn't want to fill up the email box with lay-off mails and good bye mails in thousands & also to avoid any fight inside the office and the consequent security issue for all staff.
Hope you have had a rewarding career with us and all the best ahead.
Please move back in & try your luck".
A fire alarm rang at 4 PM in a large office when almost all employees were in office (approx 5000). As usual the entire office was evacuated within 3 mins & all employees gathered outside the office in the designated area waiting for further announcement.
The Security Officer in charge made the following announcement:
"Dear employees with sincere regret I have been asked to announce that for many of you it will be your last evacuation drill. Due to the recession the company is laying off almost 50% of its employees. So when this announcement finishes, I ask all of you to move back into the building and if your swipe card does not work then it means you have been laid off in which case you will not be allowed inside and all your belongings will be couriered to you by tomorrow.
The Company has used this innovative approach as we didn't want to fill up the email box with lay-off mails and good bye mails in thousands & also to avoid any fight inside the office and the consequent security issue for all staff.
Hope you have had a rewarding career with us and all the best ahead.
Please move back in & try your luck".
Monday, March 2, 2009
Golden Village tickets @ $8 (Singapore)
I received this promotion coupon from my colleague via email. You may check with GV whether this coupon is valid for use, enjoy.. :)
The story about Cow :P
TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and bought a baby bull.
Nurse and feed it well;
They mate, your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You invest & kept the gains into the country reserve, You sell them and everyone retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You mortgage both of them to the bank & obtain investment for two more cows, Then re-mortgage the investment the four cows for eight cows and continue to do likewise, The financial market was flooding with mortgages & investments in cow's assets, No one knows where & who owned the original 2 cow's ...... ?
Then these 2 original cows grew old & eventually died, You are surprised when there's No Asset to back up the mortgage or repay the loan ???
Finally, You ask the govt to bail out the collapse financial cow's market!
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are..
You break for lunch..
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them..
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.
The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.
And last but not least,
A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
One "cow-peh" and one "cow-bu".
You have two cows.
You sell one and bought a baby bull.
Nurse and feed it well;
They mate, your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You invest & kept the gains into the country reserve, You sell them and everyone retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You mortgage both of them to the bank & obtain investment for two more cows, Then re-mortgage the investment the four cows for eight cows and continue to do likewise, The financial market was flooding with mortgages & investments in cow's assets, No one knows where & who owned the original 2 cow's ...... ?
Then these 2 original cows grew old & eventually died, You are surprised when there's No Asset to back up the mortgage or repay the loan ???
Finally, You ask the govt to bail out the collapse financial cow's market!
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are..
You break for lunch..
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them..
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.
The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.
And last but not least,
A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
One "cow-peh" and one "cow-bu".
Friday, February 27, 2009
Appraisal vs Resignation
A newly-joined trainee engineer asks his boss “What is the meaning of appraisal? "
Boss: " Do you know the meaning of resignation ? "
Trainee: “Yes, I do. "
Boss: “So let me make you understand what an appraisal is by comparing it with resignation. "
------------------------
Appraisal vs Resignation
------------------------
· In an appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In a resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.
· During an appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even a 10% pay hike.
In a resignation meeting you can easily demand ( or get more without asking ) more than 50-60% pay-hike !
· During an appraisal, they will deny promotion saying that you did not meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and that you had several drawbacks in reaching objective/goal.
During resignation, they'll say you are the core member of the team; that you are the vision of the company, and so “How can you go? "; you have to take the project on your shoulders and lead your juniors to success.
· There is a 90% chance of not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is a 90% chance of getting an immediate pay-hike after you put in your resignation.
Trainee: " Yes, boss, good enough. Now I know what to do. When you are about to do my appraisal, I will resign. "
Boss: " Do you know the meaning of resignation ? "
Trainee: “Yes, I do. "
Boss: “So let me make you understand what an appraisal is by comparing it with resignation. "
------------------------
Appraisal vs Resignation
------------------------
· In an appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In a resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.
· During an appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even a 10% pay hike.
In a resignation meeting you can easily demand ( or get more without asking ) more than 50-60% pay-hike !
· During an appraisal, they will deny promotion saying that you did not meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and that you had several drawbacks in reaching objective/goal.
During resignation, they'll say you are the core member of the team; that you are the vision of the company, and so “How can you go? "; you have to take the project on your shoulders and lead your juniors to success.
· There is a 90% chance of not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is a 90% chance of getting an immediate pay-hike after you put in your resignation.
Trainee: " Yes, boss, good enough. Now I know what to do. When you are about to do my appraisal, I will resign. "
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Eye Test
See the following image..
If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes make it sharp and small.. :P
If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes make it sharp and small.. :P
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Globalization defined
Here is a definition of globalization
Easy to understand and relate to.
Question : What is the truest example of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How so?
Answer:
An English princess with
an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian
who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling),
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by a Canadian,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladesh workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian truck-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization!
Easy to understand and relate to.
Question : What is the truest example of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How so?
Answer:
An English princess with
an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian
who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling),
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by a Canadian,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladesh workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian truck-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
New Wives Store
Continued version of Husband Mart joke.. You can click the link below, if you haven't read it..
Husband Mart
.
.
.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Husband Mart
.
.
.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Monday, February 23, 2009
THE OFFICIAL Laws of Flirting
FLIRTING RULES:
Girls: When you want to cuddle with him, tell him you're cold.
Guys: Automatically move closer to her. (If you're stupid, then you'll either say 'Me too.' or you'll give her your jacket...don't)
Girls: During a movie, if he puts his arm around you, tilt your head on his shoulder
Guys: Lift her chin up and kiss her.
Guys: When she tells you she loves you, look deep into her eyes, give her a peck on the lips, and tell her you love her too...and MEAN IT!!
Girls: When you're both laying under the stars, put your head on his chest and close your eyes as you listen to his steady heart beat.
Guys: Whisper in her ear; 'The stars are beautiful.....and so are you. Then link your hands with hers.
Girls: When you want to cuddle with him, tell him you're cold.
Guys: Automatically move closer to her. (If you're stupid, then you'll either say 'Me too.' or you'll give her your jacket...don't)
Girls: During a movie, if he puts his arm around you, tilt your head on his shoulder
Guys: Lift her chin up and kiss her.
Guys: When she tells you she loves you, look deep into her eyes, give her a peck on the lips, and tell her you love her too...and MEAN IT!!
Girls: When you're both laying under the stars, put your head on his chest and close your eyes as you listen to his steady heart beat.
Guys: Whisper in her ear; 'The stars are beautiful.....and so are you. Then link your hands with hers.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the na me of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
(You're gonna love this....)
She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the na me of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
(You're gonna love this....)
She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Jokes of the day 3
***
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...*
***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...*
***
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.*
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...*
***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...*
***
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.*
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Jokes of the day 2
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.*
***
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kgr.*
****
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...
***
My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... *
***
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kgr.*
****
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...
***
My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... *
Monday, February 16, 2009
Jokes of the day
*Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it.*
*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where???'*
***
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.' *
*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where???'*
***
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.' *
Friday, February 13, 2009
'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?'
NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'
It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'
After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:
'Which of the following is the largest?'
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.
'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.
'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Come on Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it.'
To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'
'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Bubba choose truck
One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you got that truck?"
"Tammie give it to me." Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want.'
So I took the truck!"
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you got that truck?"
"Tammie give it to me." Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want.'
So I took the truck!"
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
How smart is your right foot?
This is really funny.. I tried and it is really true! Haha…
Just try this.
It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............
This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't.
It's pre-programmed in your brain!
1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right Hand. Your foot will change direction.
It is involuntary and there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so. Send it to your buddies to frustrate them too.
Just try this.
It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............
This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't.
It's pre-programmed in your brain!
1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right Hand. Your foot will change direction.
It is involuntary and there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so. Send it to your buddies to frustrate them too.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Double Talking Women
A husband shows his wife a study which indicates that on the average men use 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000.
The wife thinks about this and then tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
The husband turns from the paper and says, "What?"
The wife thinks about this and then tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
The husband turns from the paper and says, "What?"
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Management letter
Dear employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy!, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy!, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Grandfather's Will (Indonesia Language)
If you do not understand, ask your indonesian friend to translate it for you, its funny.. :)
Engkong Caim umurnye ude 80 taon, asmanye kumat mulu, badan udeh tinggal tulang doang. Udeh jalan 2 minggu, Engkong Caim diinpus di rumah sakit. Napasnye udah tinggal senen kemis pake selang oxigen. Anak mantunye nungguin gantian siang malem.
Pas malem jum'at Engkong Caim ngedrop lagi, mukenye pucet, badannye dingin, matenye sipit ame napasnye tinggal atu dua. Si Nasir, anaknye semate wayang, ngirain babenye udeh waktunye koit. Ame si Nasir, dipanggil deh ustad kampung situ namenye Ustad Bokir. Begitu liat Engkong caim udeh diem aje, Bokir langsung baca-bacain macem-macem
doa. Eh tau-tau Engkong Caim megap-megap ame kejang-kejang, bikin panik orang. Pak bahase isyarat, Engkong Caim tangannye niruin orang nulis.
"Eh Nasir, Lu liat tuh tangan babe lu, daripade bengong, kasih bolpen kek babelu, kayaknye babe lu pengen nulis surat wasiat tuh" katenye Bokir. Nasir langsung ngibrit nyari kertas ame bolpen buat babenye, kali aje dapet warisan tanah di Condet pan lumayan. Pake sisa tenaganye, Engkong Caim nulis dikertas ampe' gemeter, abis gitu kertasnye dikasiin ke Bokir. Ame Bokir, surat wasiatnye langsung dikantongin. "Entar aje bacenye, kagak enak baca surat wasiat sekarang, pan babelu belon koit" katenye Bokir ngebisikin Nasir. Akhirnye Engkong Caim jadi koit dah. Inna Lillahi.
Orang sekampung pade nangisin, soalnye Engkon Caim biarin galak tapi baek ame tetangge.
Pas sukuran tujuh arinye Engkon Caim, Bokir diundang lagi ame Nasir buat ngebacain doa lagi. Abis bacain doa, Bokir baru inget kalo die dititipin surat wasiat ame almarhum Engkong Caim. Untungnye, Bokir make baju taqwa nyang minggu kemaren dipake waktu Engkong Caim koit, pas dirogoh, surat wasiatnye masih ade dikantongnye.
"Sodare-sodare sekalian, ade surat wasiat titipannye Engkon nyang belon sempet ane baca. Kalo kite inget masa idupnye Engkong, kayaknye sih isinye nasehat buat kite semue. Nyok kite baca bareng-bareng suratnye ye" kate Bokir.
Begitu abis ngebuka lipetan surat wasiatnye, tau-tau GUBRAK !!! Bokir
ngejeblak jatoh pingsan.
Pas dibaca ame Nasir, ternyate isi suratnye cuma begini "HEH Bokir !!!! Lu bedirinye sonoan dikit nape, jangan nginjek selang oxigen gue !!!!!"
Engkong Caim umurnye ude 80 taon, asmanye kumat mulu, badan udeh tinggal tulang doang. Udeh jalan 2 minggu, Engkong Caim diinpus di rumah sakit. Napasnye udah tinggal senen kemis pake selang oxigen. Anak mantunye nungguin gantian siang malem.
Pas malem jum'at Engkong Caim ngedrop lagi, mukenye pucet, badannye dingin, matenye sipit ame napasnye tinggal atu dua. Si Nasir, anaknye semate wayang, ngirain babenye udeh waktunye koit. Ame si Nasir, dipanggil deh ustad kampung situ namenye Ustad Bokir. Begitu liat Engkong caim udeh diem aje, Bokir langsung baca-bacain macem-macem
doa. Eh tau-tau Engkong Caim megap-megap ame kejang-kejang, bikin panik orang. Pak bahase isyarat, Engkong Caim tangannye niruin orang nulis.
"Eh Nasir, Lu liat tuh tangan babe lu, daripade bengong, kasih bolpen kek babelu, kayaknye babe lu pengen nulis surat wasiat tuh" katenye Bokir. Nasir langsung ngibrit nyari kertas ame bolpen buat babenye, kali aje dapet warisan tanah di Condet pan lumayan. Pake sisa tenaganye, Engkong Caim nulis dikertas ampe' gemeter, abis gitu kertasnye dikasiin ke Bokir. Ame Bokir, surat wasiatnye langsung dikantongin. "Entar aje bacenye, kagak enak baca surat wasiat sekarang, pan babelu belon koit" katenye Bokir ngebisikin Nasir. Akhirnye Engkong Caim jadi koit dah. Inna Lillahi.
Orang sekampung pade nangisin, soalnye Engkon Caim biarin galak tapi baek ame tetangge.
Pas sukuran tujuh arinye Engkon Caim, Bokir diundang lagi ame Nasir buat ngebacain doa lagi. Abis bacain doa, Bokir baru inget kalo die dititipin surat wasiat ame almarhum Engkong Caim. Untungnye, Bokir make baju taqwa nyang minggu kemaren dipake waktu Engkong Caim koit, pas dirogoh, surat wasiatnye masih ade dikantongnye.
"Sodare-sodare sekalian, ade surat wasiat titipannye Engkon nyang belon sempet ane baca. Kalo kite inget masa idupnye Engkong, kayaknye sih isinye nasehat buat kite semue. Nyok kite baca bareng-bareng suratnye ye" kate Bokir.
Begitu abis ngebuka lipetan surat wasiatnye, tau-tau GUBRAK !!! Bokir
ngejeblak jatoh pingsan.
Pas dibaca ame Nasir, ternyate isi suratnye cuma begini "HEH Bokir !!!! Lu bedirinye sonoan dikit nape, jangan nginjek selang oxigen gue !!!!!"
Monday, February 2, 2009
Happy CNY
I just came back from CNY holiday, happy Chinese New Year everyone. Wish you prosperity and have a better life in this new year :)
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Steven Covey's famous 7 habits for successful people are nothing more than a free adaptation of Hokkien phrases.
So why pay thousands of dollars to listen to him when your parents, wives, husbands, and even the auntie-auntie who sweeps the floor, can give you that kind of advice every day?
Habit No 1: Be Pro-Active
Kin Ka Kin Chiew (fast leg, fast hand)
Habit No 2: Begin with the End In Mind
Ooh Tao Ooh Buay (have head, have tail)
Habit No 3: First Things First
Chik Hung Chik Hung Lai - Ban Ban Lai
(One thing at a time, slow and steady); or
Cho Tow Seng (do first)
Habit No 4: Think Win-Win
Long Chong Ai Yarh (want to win in everything)
Habit No 5: Seek To Understand Rather Than To Be Understood
Cho Lang Ai Eh Beng Pek (you must be understanding)
Habit No 6: Synergize
Tai Kay Ai Hup Chop (all must co-perate)
Habit No 7: Sharpen the Saw
Toh Bua Lai Lai
Habit No 1: Be Pro-Active
Kin Ka Kin Chiew (fast leg, fast hand)
Habit No 2: Begin with the End In Mind
Ooh Tao Ooh Buay (have head, have tail)
Habit No 3: First Things First
Chik Hung Chik Hung Lai - Ban Ban Lai
(One thing at a time, slow and steady); or
Cho Tow Seng (do first)
Habit No 4: Think Win-Win
Long Chong Ai Yarh (want to win in everything)
Habit No 5: Seek To Understand Rather Than To Be Understood
Cho Lang Ai Eh Beng Pek (you must be understanding)
Habit No 6: Synergize
Tai Kay Ai Hup Chop (all must co-perate)
Habit No 7: Sharpen the Saw
Toh Bua Lai Lai
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
What you'll never hear S women say to their boyfriends or husbands in this day and age :P
Just a joke.. no offense :)
1. Honey, I don't care what you do for a living, you can be labourer for all I care, what matters is that I love you!!
2. I don't care about money! As long as we're together, everything will work out fine; love will see us through!
3. When we get married, I'll be the best cook and we'll have lots of kids!
4. Aiyoooo! This Ang Mor fellow at the office try to chase after me you know! I told him I already got a boyfriend!! So disgusting! I damn scared of Ang Mor, eekkk! So big size and hairy like a gorilla!!
5. Don't worry about these things like a big house and a car, as long as I have you, I'll be the happiest girl on earth!
6. It's OK, we'll use the money from my personal savings account - my money is your money!
7. Please put away your wallet dear, since you still haven't got a job after being retrenched, I'll pay for dinner. Please don't feel bad about this.
8. Aiyah, why you always want to take me to restaurant to eat! Let's save money and eat at the hawker center instead lah!
9. Alamak, please lah, we can take the MRT home, no need to call a taxi!
10. Your mother can move in with us, darling. We all have to make sacrifices as a family.
1. Honey, I don't care what you do for a living, you can be labourer for all I care, what matters is that I love you!!
2. I don't care about money! As long as we're together, everything will work out fine; love will see us through!
3. When we get married, I'll be the best cook and we'll have lots of kids!
4. Aiyoooo! This Ang Mor fellow at the office try to chase after me you know! I told him I already got a boyfriend!! So disgusting! I damn scared of Ang Mor, eekkk! So big size and hairy like a gorilla!!
5. Don't worry about these things like a big house and a car, as long as I have you, I'll be the happiest girl on earth!
6. It's OK, we'll use the money from my personal savings account - my money is your money!
7. Please put away your wallet dear, since you still haven't got a job after being retrenched, I'll pay for dinner. Please don't feel bad about this.
8. Aiyah, why you always want to take me to restaurant to eat! Let's save money and eat at the hawker center instead lah!
9. Alamak, please lah, we can take the MRT home, no need to call a taxi!
10. Your mother can move in with us, darling. We all have to make sacrifices as a family.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Men = Problem??
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman....
Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness
MENstrual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MENopause
GUY necologist
AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy..
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman....
Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness
MENstrual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MENopause
GUY necologist
AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy..
Friday, January 16, 2009
How are you going to tell the taxi driver.........????
Driver : Nak ke mana cik?
Penumpang: Saya nak ke bandar Sunway. Dekat jer, rumah saya kat Jalan Puki Mak U Lah...
Driver : Cik, kita ni orang Melayu. Tak boleh ke gunakan bahasa yang lebih sopan.
Penumpang: Nak sopan macam mana lagi bang. Dah memang itu nama jalannya.
Driver : %$#@&*
Penumpang: Saya nak ke bandar Sunway. Dekat jer, rumah saya kat Jalan Puki Mak U Lah...
Driver : Cik, kita ni orang Melayu. Tak boleh ke gunakan bahasa yang lebih sopan.
Penumpang: Nak sopan macam mana lagi bang. Dah memang itu nama jalannya.
Driver : %$#@&*
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Funny Answer..
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says :
"If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
************ ********* ********* ********* *****
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother"
Santa wrote back,
" SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
************ ********* ********* ********* *
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
************ ********* ********* *****
Husband asks:
"Do u know that the meaning of WIFE is:
W ithout
Information
F ighting
Every-time
Wife replies:
" No,......
It means:
With
I diot
For
E ver !!!"
************ ********* ********* ********* **
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
************ ********* ********* ********* *
Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *
A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says :
"If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
************ ********* ********* ********* *****
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother"
Santa wrote back,
" SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
************ ********* ********* ********* *
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
************ ********* ********* *****
Husband asks:
"Do u know that the meaning of WIFE is:
W ithout
Information
F ighting
Every-time
Wife replies:
" No,......
It means:
With
I diot
For
E ver !!!"
************ ********* ********* ********* **
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
************ ********* ********* ********* *
Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *
A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Letter from India
My dear Jagjit, I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We are not living where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I am not able to send the address, as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. But I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you,
your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. By the way, I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash.
He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece we should remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and
drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days. Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father. There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love,
Mom.
P.S : Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter
We are not living where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I am not able to send the address, as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. But I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you,
your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. By the way, I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash.
He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece we should remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and
drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days. Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father. There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love,
Mom.
P.S : Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter
Monday, January 12, 2009
Just for Laugh
Q : What is the similarity between men and rats?
A : Both keep searching for new holes.
Q : What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A : Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q : What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A : When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
Q : What's the height of recycling?
A : Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.
>
Q : Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A : Lady : Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.
Q : Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A : The boy friend's hand.
Q : Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A : The animals told him. Your tail is in front".
A : Both keep searching for new holes.
Q : What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A : Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q : What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A : When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
Q : What's the height of recycling?
A : Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.
>
Q : Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A : Lady : Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.
Q : Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A : The boy friend's hand.
Q : Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A : The animals told him. Your tail is in front".
Friday, January 9, 2009
Husbands
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!'
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 9 P.M,
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!'
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 9 P.M,
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Med School - A LESSON TO BE LEARNED
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them: 'In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.'
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
' Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. Each one tried his best not to puke.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention.'
The professor started the class by telling them: 'In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.'
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
' Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. Each one tried his best not to puke.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention.'
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Kids Are Quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right..... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right..... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Men's Pearls of Wisdom
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d*ck or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a s*x object. Every time you ask for s*x, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of s*x in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having s*x is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone s*x once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a s*x object. Every time you ask for s*x, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of s*x in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having s*x is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone s*x once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Education by PCK
Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng's son, Aloysius.........
Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?
PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjoyable because, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !
Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ?
PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right ?
Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?
PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah !
Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?
PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah ! Use your blain, use your blainnn .........
Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love ?
PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight or not?
Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?
PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn ........................... you
go and dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!
Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.
PCK : Aiyah ...... ,' Best in Singapore, JB, some say Batam, and now, the whole world!' also ah!!!
Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?
PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjoyable because, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !
Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ?
PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right ?
Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?
PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah !
Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?
PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah ! Use your blain, use your blainnn .........
Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love ?
PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight or not?
Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?
PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn ........................... you
go and dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!
Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.
PCK : Aiyah ...... ,' Best in Singapore, JB, some say Batam, and now, the whole world!' also ah!!!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
New Guidelines for Understanding Job Requirements
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Humour - Fotografer (Indonesia Language Version)
Karena asik memotret sunset dan mengeksplorasi wilayah yang baru pertama kali dia kunjungi, seorang travel photografer baru menyadari bahwa dia sudah tersesat dan ditinggal oleh rombongannya. Dan tanpa disangka-sangka, hujan badai turun! Spontan fotografer itu bete abis... udah tersesat,gelap, ujan pula...Tapi akhirnya timbul harapan...Di ujung jalan dia melihat lampu mobil (lampu kecil) perlahan-lahan mendekat.
Tidak mau kehilangan kesempatan, dia melambaikan tangannya untuk meminta tumpangan. Ketika mobil tersebut mendekat, tanpa mau membuang waktu,tanpa meminta izin, dan dalam kondisi mobil masih jalan dengan kecepatan yang sama, sang fotografer langsung naik ke mobil( takut gak di kasih naik kali ???),duduk dan kaget!!! Karena dia baru menyadari bahwa mobil tersebut tidak ada yang> mengemudikan.
Tapi daripada turun dan ketakutan didalam kegelapan sang fotografer memutuskan tetap> bertahan dalam mobil, sambil berdoa.
Dalam perjalanan di dalam mobil yang berjalan dengan pelan sekali, ketika mobil sepertinya akan menabrak pohon atau jatuh ke jurang, tiba-tiba muncul sebuah tangan dan mengendalikan setir agar mobil tidak menabrak atau jatuh.
Hal tersebut terus terjadi berulang kali. Fotografer semakin ketakutan....tapi daripada turun.....( gak tahu apa yang terjadi...toh sekarang masih aman meski takut banget..)
Akhirnya, ketika mobil mendekati sebuah warung kopi ( kelihatan ada bapak dan ibu penunggu warung ),fotografer tersebut buru2 turun dengan meloncat, saking takutnya. Langsung memesan secangkir kopi untuk menenangkan diri.
Sambil menangis terisak-isak, fotografer tersebut menceritakan kejadian seram yang baru saja dia alami.Setelah selesai bercerita, fotografer tersebut akhirnya pingsan kelelahan dan juga karena menahan rasa takut.
Mendadak, dua orang berpakaian kotor dan basah kuyup masuk ke dalam warung kopi dan melihat sang fotografer yang sedang pingsan.
Spontan salah satu dari mereka berkata, "Itu dia kampret yang numpang dimobil yang lagi kita dorong!"
Tidak mau kehilangan kesempatan, dia melambaikan tangannya untuk meminta tumpangan. Ketika mobil tersebut mendekat, tanpa mau membuang waktu,tanpa meminta izin, dan dalam kondisi mobil masih jalan dengan kecepatan yang sama, sang fotografer langsung naik ke mobil( takut gak di kasih naik kali ???),duduk dan kaget!!! Karena dia baru menyadari bahwa mobil tersebut tidak ada yang> mengemudikan.
Tapi daripada turun dan ketakutan didalam kegelapan sang fotografer memutuskan tetap> bertahan dalam mobil, sambil berdoa.
Dalam perjalanan di dalam mobil yang berjalan dengan pelan sekali, ketika mobil sepertinya akan menabrak pohon atau jatuh ke jurang, tiba-tiba muncul sebuah tangan dan mengendalikan setir agar mobil tidak menabrak atau jatuh.
Hal tersebut terus terjadi berulang kali. Fotografer semakin ketakutan....tapi daripada turun.....( gak tahu apa yang terjadi...toh sekarang masih aman meski takut banget..)
Akhirnya, ketika mobil mendekati sebuah warung kopi ( kelihatan ada bapak dan ibu penunggu warung ),fotografer tersebut buru2 turun dengan meloncat, saking takutnya. Langsung memesan secangkir kopi untuk menenangkan diri.
Sambil menangis terisak-isak, fotografer tersebut menceritakan kejadian seram yang baru saja dia alami.Setelah selesai bercerita, fotografer tersebut akhirnya pingsan kelelahan dan juga karena menahan rasa takut.
Mendadak, dua orang berpakaian kotor dan basah kuyup masuk ke dalam warung kopi dan melihat sang fotografer yang sedang pingsan.
Spontan salah satu dari mereka berkata, "Itu dia kampret yang numpang dimobil yang lagi kita dorong!"
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