Singapore Jokes

Ah Lian asked shopkeeper, "Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee, boh?"
Ah Chek replied, "Lu siao ah! stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only, where got up to the 'nee'(breast) one?"


Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her. So there Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend.
"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"
"Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian.
"Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!"
So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
"Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!" screamed Ah Beng. "Solee, solee, pai sah lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!"


The Titanic was sinking and there weren't enough lifeboats. So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy water to make room for women and children.
To the British he said, "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped.
To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied.
To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged.
Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal: "Free life jackets for those who jumped."


Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti" (In Hokkien means Ah Cheng buys bread).
The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told them to re-select another song. The Ah Bengs were very angry and kicked up a big fuss claiming the DJ was insulting them. The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down. Finally after a long talk with Ah Bengs, the manager found out that they were actually asking for the song "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.


One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and wanted to get down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G. As they were not English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea what does the letter G mean. Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G.. When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian,"Wah low!!! How you know one?" The first Ah Lian replied smugly, "Easy lah.. G for Gero mah..."


One day, there were an American, one Italian, a Singaporean and Bangladeshi traveled around on a private helicopter. After about one hour of travelling, the American took out his cigarette (Dunhill), lighted it up and started smoking after two sip, he threw the balance of the cigarette. The other three persons were surprised and asked "Why didn't you finish-up the cigarette before throwing?" He replied arrogantly, "There is a lot of cigarettes in my country."

Half an hour later, the Italian took out a bottle of branded perfume and applied on him and the rest he threw out of the window.
The other three persons were surprised and asked, "Why did you throw away the perfume?" The Italian replied also, "There is a lot of perfume in my country."

The Singaporean didn't know what to do & suddenly pushed that Bangladeshi out of the helicopter. The other two persons shouted crazyly, "Why did you push him !?" The Singaporean said slowly, "There is a lot of Bangladeshi in my country!" Everybody kept quiet and stayed away from the Singaporean.

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed
room with an Open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in
The room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back
After 6 hours and then analyze
The situation.

.
.
.

If they are counting the
Bricks.
Put them in the accounts
Department .

If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing ..


If they have messed up the
Whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering .


If they are arranging the
bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning .


If they are throwing the
bricks at each other.
Put them in operations .


If they are sleeping.
Put them in security .


If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information Technology .


If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources .


If they say they have tried different combinations,
yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in sales.


If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing .

If they are staring out of the Window.
Put them on strategic Planning.

And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other
and not a single brick has been moved...

Congratulate them and
put them in Top management

Britains Got Talent - Sue Son

Nice play..

Britains Got Talent - Susan Boyle Semi Final