Appraisal vs Resignation

A newly-joined trainee engineer asks his boss “What is the meaning of appraisal? "

Boss: " Do you know the meaning of resignation ? "

Trainee: “Yes, I do. "

Boss: “So let me make you understand what an appraisal is by comparing it with resignation. "

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Appraisal vs Resignation
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· In an appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In a resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.

· During an appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even a 10% pay hike.
In a resignation meeting you can easily demand ( or get more without asking ) more than 50-60% pay-hike !

· During an appraisal, they will deny promotion saying that you did not meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and that you had several drawbacks in reaching objective/goal.
During resignation, they'll say you are the core member of the team; that you are the vision of the company, and so “How can you go? "; you have to take the project on your shoulders and lead your juniors to success.

· There is a 90% chance of not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is a 90% chance of getting an immediate pay-hike after you put in your resignation.

Trainee: " Yes, boss, good enough. Now I know what to do. When you are about to do my appraisal, I will resign. "

Eye Test

See the following image..



If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes make it sharp and small.. :P

Globalization defined‏

Here is a definition of globalization

Easy to understand and relate to.

Question : What is the truest example of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How so?

Answer:

An English princess with

an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling),

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by a Canadian,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladesh workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian truck-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization!

New Wives Store

Continued version of Husband Mart joke.. You can click the link below, if you haven't read it..
Husband Mart

.
.
.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

THE OFFICIAL Laws of Flirting

FLIRTING RULES:

Girls: When you want to cuddle with him, tell him you're cold.
Guys: Automatically move closer to her. (If you're stupid, then you'll either say 'Me too.' or you'll give her your jacket...don't)

Girls: During a movie, if he puts his arm around you, tilt your head on his shoulder
Guys: Lift her chin up and kiss her.

Guys: When she tells you she loves you, look deep into her eyes, give her a peck on the lips, and tell her you love her too...and MEAN IT!!

Girls: When you're both laying under the stars, put your head on his chest and close your eyes as you listen to his steady heart beat.

Guys: Whisper in her ear; 'The stars are beautiful.....and so are you. Then link your hands with hers.

Women Drivers Compilation

o.0

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the na me of good GOD are you doing?'


I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna love this....)








She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'

Jokes of the day 3

***
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...*


***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...*


***
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.*

Jokes of the day 2

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.*


***
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kgr.*


****
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...


***
My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... *

Jokes of the day

*Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it.*

*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where???'*

***
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.' *

Another 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?'

Click on the image to enlarge

'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?'

NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'
After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:
'Which of the following is the largest?'
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.
'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.
'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Come on Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it.'
To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'
'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

What goes through your mind when someone says "Lets go for a drink"?‏

Click on the image to enlarge

Bubba choose truck

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you got that truck?"

"Tammie give it to me." Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck!"

How smart is your right foot?‏

This is really funny.. I tried and it is really true! Haha…


Just try this.
It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............
This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't.
It's pre-programmed in your brain!


1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right Hand. Your foot will change direction.
It is involuntary and there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so. Send it to your buddies to frustrate them too.

A good summary of 2008 Economy‏

Click on the image to enlarge

Double Talking Women

A husband shows his wife a study which indicates that on the average men use 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000.
The wife thinks about this and then tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
The husband turns from the paper and says, "What?"

Management letter

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy!, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Farewell Dinner

Click on the image to enlarge

Grandfather's Will (Indonesia Language)

If you do not understand, ask your indonesian friend to translate it for you, its funny.. :)

Engkong Caim umurnye ude 80 taon, asmanye kumat mulu, badan udeh tinggal tulang doang. Udeh jalan 2 minggu, Engkong Caim diinpus di rumah sakit. Napasnye udah tinggal senen kemis pake selang oxigen. Anak mantunye nungguin gantian siang malem.
Pas malem jum'at Engkong Caim ngedrop lagi, mukenye pucet, badannye dingin, matenye sipit ame napasnye tinggal atu dua. Si Nasir, anaknye semate wayang, ngirain babenye udeh waktunye koit. Ame si Nasir, dipanggil deh ustad kampung situ namenye Ustad Bokir. Begitu liat Engkong caim udeh diem aje, Bokir langsung baca-bacain macem-macem
doa. Eh tau-tau Engkong Caim megap-megap ame kejang-kejang, bikin panik orang. Pak bahase isyarat, Engkong Caim tangannye niruin orang nulis.

"Eh Nasir, Lu liat tuh tangan babe lu, daripade bengong, kasih bolpen kek babelu, kayaknye babe lu pengen nulis surat wasiat tuh" katenye Bokir. Nasir langsung ngibrit nyari kertas ame bolpen buat babenye, kali aje dapet warisan tanah di Condet pan lumayan. Pake sisa tenaganye, Engkong Caim nulis dikertas ampe' gemeter, abis gitu kertasnye dikasiin ke Bokir. Ame Bokir, surat wasiatnye langsung dikantongin. "Entar aje bacenye, kagak enak baca surat wasiat sekarang, pan babelu belon koit" katenye Bokir ngebisikin Nasir. Akhirnye Engkong Caim jadi koit dah. Inna Lillahi.
Orang sekampung pade nangisin, soalnye Engkon Caim biarin galak tapi baek ame tetangge.

Pas sukuran tujuh arinye Engkon Caim, Bokir diundang lagi ame Nasir buat ngebacain doa lagi. Abis bacain doa, Bokir baru inget kalo die dititipin surat wasiat ame almarhum Engkong Caim. Untungnye, Bokir make baju taqwa nyang minggu kemaren dipake waktu Engkong Caim koit, pas dirogoh, surat wasiatnye masih ade dikantongnye.

"Sodare-sodare sekalian, ade surat wasiat titipannye Engkon nyang belon sempet ane baca. Kalo kite inget masa idupnye Engkong, kayaknye sih isinye nasehat buat kite semue. Nyok kite baca bareng-bareng suratnye ye" kate Bokir.

Begitu abis ngebuka lipetan surat wasiatnye, tau-tau GUBRAK !!! Bokir
ngejeblak jatoh pingsan.

Pas dibaca ame Nasir, ternyate isi suratnye cuma begini "HEH Bokir !!!! Lu bedirinye sonoan dikit nape, jangan nginjek selang oxigen gue !!!!!"

Funny Soccer Moments

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKrTlXN9-iE&NR=1

Happy CNY

I just came back from CNY holiday, happy Chinese New Year everyone. Wish you prosperity and have a better life in this new year :)